


This Place Isn't Hell

by project_melancholia



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorder, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, I like dark shit, I swear there will be so cuteness, I'm Sorry, Maybe - Freeform, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-07-29 07:50:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7676191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/project_melancholia/pseuds/project_melancholia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Yeager is a mentally unstable sixteen-year-old just trying to get by in life.<br/>One very bad day ends him up in his local behavioral health center where he meets a mysterious raven-haired boy named Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fic so...I apologize in advance.  
> Also, PLEASE BE WARNED THAT THIS FIC MAY GET SUPER TRIGGERING. Please do not read this if you are mentally unstable and could easily get influenced reading material pertaining to eating disorders, self harm, or suicide.
> 
> Also, feel free to leave tips on how to write better.

47

The number adorned the top left corner of my latest chemistry test that Armin attempted to teach the contents of to me last night, despite my attempts to convince him that I didn't care about failing.

I did.

Groaning internally, I turned to my blond-haired friend, holding up my failed test. The sympathetic look in his eyes made me regret taking the class. My eyes registered him trying to comfort me, his mouth opening and closing, spilling out words that I was too distracted to hear. My mind was focused on the voice coming from inside me, calling me stupid, worthless, pathetic, everything...

It was too much to take.

I walked up to our professor (who demanded that we call them by their first name, Hanji) and requested a pass to the bathroom.

The slow walk down the hall was agonizing.

_What, you can't even pass a fucking test? Are you really that pathetic, Eren?_

_Listen to me. I know what's best for you. I OWN you. You deserve to be punished._

_You deserve nothing._

I tried to talk some sense into the voice in my head. Tried to tell it that it was only one test, and that I would try harder next time, but all I could feel was shame.

Once behind the safety of the bathroom stall, I slid off my hoodie. Deep, disgusting gashes lined my bony arms, with faint scars in between. I pushed up my sleeve, revealing the word " _FAT_ " inscribed into my upper arm, which lacked both muscle and fat.

I'm not sure what possessed me to stay like that, with my fingertips lightly running up the scars on my arm, but when I could think straight again, the bell rang, signifying the end up class 

_Shit, I've already been in here for at least 20 minutes!_

It was the end of 3rd period, meaning it was time for lunch, which I shared with Armin and our friends Jean, Connie, and Sasha.

I slide back on my jacket and exit the stall, ignoring the odd looks I got from two other guys on their phones in the restroom.

Once I arrive inside the cafeteria, I scan the room for my friends, still feeling a little off from my minor episode earlier.

"Hey Ar," I say, barely above a whisper, and slip into the seat next to him. I give an aknowledging nod to everyone else at the table, too exhausted to give a proper greeting.

 One thing I've learned throughout high school is that lunch goes by awfully slow when you don't eat. My friends are used to me not eating, but it doesn't stop them from trying to pressure me into it. They constantly comment on how much weight I'm losing, which only serves to fuel the voices in my head. Every time they offer me food, I turn them down with a fake smile.

The voice says that I don't deserve to eat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to be really smart in middle school, before that storm of my depression hit, and was in the the medical program. I planned on going to college and becoming a surgeon, just like my father.

Now I don't even plan on being alive long enough to attend college.

Because of my "brilliance" I got to skip a year, making me a sixteen-year-old senior. This also means that I get free bells at the end of the day. So I head to the library to get some "studying" done. I know I could be a really good student, but I just can't bring myself to care anymore.

As soon as I step outside the school building, I'm met by the harsh coldness of October. Apparently winter's coming early this year. I pull the jacket tighter around myself and begin the long walk to Trost Public Library.

The second I'm inside the building, I start to defrost, thanks to the toasty heating the library provides. I make my way to the back of one of the the rows of books and sit on the carpeted floor, pulling out my phone. (God bless free wifi)

I log onto tumblr and my eyes are captured by a bonethin girl, her face hidden from the camera. I scroll. Scars and thinspo fill the dashboard. All I can think of is how I want to be like that. I find it all  _perfect._ I stay like that, scrolling through endless pictures of broken boys and girls, until my battery gets low. I take that as my cue to leave, and head home to an empty house, my mother dead and my father at work, oblivious of the broken boy he calls his son. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in summer school right now with nothing to do, so I might as well keep typing away...  
> Also, sorry the chapters are so short. I'm not used to writing a lot.

The next morning, I woke up to my phone ringing. Sighing, I check the screen, dissapointed that it was already 5:30. Mikasa- Armin's adopted sister- for some reason, decided to grace me with a phone call  at 5:30 in the morning.

"Yes, Mikasa?" I yawn into the phone.

"Get up loser, we're going to a pumpkin patch." I could hear Armin giggling in the background.

"Piss off," I groan, ending the call. My attempts to go back to sleep were short lived, however, as I recieved a call a text no less than 2 minutes later.

"We're here." As I struggle to type out a reply, the horn from Armin's truck scares me so much that I drop my phone. I struggle to get out of bed and open the window.

" If you don't lay off that goddamn horn, I will go down there and shove the fucking steering wheel up your ass." (Yeah, I'm totally not a morning person...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I gave in. I'm sitting in the backseat drinking black coffee provided by Mikasa.

"You sure you don't want any cream or sugar, Eren?" Armin looked back when we came to a red light. "Or you could have a doughnut. We got chocolate frosted, your favorite." My stomach begin to growl, due to my lack of lunch and dinner, so I talk to cover it up. 

"So why are we going to a pumpkin patch exactly?

Mikasa looked back at me, as if I was crazy. "To pick pumpkins, obviously. Halloween's in a week, Eren. We always pick pumpkins to carve."

 "And why are we going at 6 a.m.?" I glance at the clock, silently weeping over all the sleep I'm missing. I planned on staying holed up in my room all day, drinking away my problems, but this is probably better. Alcohol has too many calories anyways.

"The earlier we get there, the better chance we have of getting the good pumpkins." Armin interjected, keeping his eyes on the road. "And I want to buy those cute mini pumpkins before they sell out."

I snorted. Armin loves those fucking pumpkins. He almost started crying last year when they only had 2 left because he " wanted to make an army of them".

When we finally reached the farm, it was almost 7. As soon as we parked the car we were greeted by chickens running free around the farm. After exchanging our car keys for a cart and cutters, we take off down the endless rows of pumpkins. Within minutes, the cart is filled with pumpkins of all shapes and sizes and we're ready to check out. When we reach the table, my eyes go to shelves full of spiced apple butter and pumpkin jams, that you can try samples of spread on expensive looking crackers. My mouth waters a bit and I bite my lip as Mikasa and Armin try one of each.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School passes by quickly, with me failing a few more assignments. Professor Hanji is getting worried about me, pulling me aside before and after our classes, and I'll find myself talking to them for around 30 minutes at a time. They gave me their number and we would text everyday, but I never truly told them how I felt, despite the fact that I was drowning in my own self-hatred.

Soon enough, it was the day before Halloween, and I found myself with Armin and Mikasa, watching horror movies and drinking diet coke, while they had sweet tea. After the 3rd movie, Mikasa declared it time to carve the pumpkins. I pretended to be excited, and I was on the inside, I just felt too weak to do anything except sleep (which I found myself doing a lot more of recently).

I walked into the kitchen to grab another soda, and stopped to admire all of the little pumpkins aligning the shelves and on the dinning room table. Armin had decorated both his and my house with tiny pumpkins. It made me smile. 

I carved 3 pumpkins: one with vampire fangs, one with a spider web design, and one that said "Happy Halloween".

Armin's and Mikasa's pumpkins looked professional.I was having such a good time that I had almost forgotten how terrible I was until the voices reminded me.

_God you can't even carve a fucking pumpkin right. You're worthless. Worthless. No one likes you. Armin and Mikasa are only hanging out with you because they feel sorry for you._

Just _do everyone a favor and cut deeper next time._

And just like that, my good mood was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like the way this chapter turned out bit I didn't want to just throw Eren into the hospital straight away, so I decided to give him one last good memory before that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy that I'm getting some hits on here, but compared to other fics, this one's pretty mediocre which is really disheartening :( whatever. I'll keep on going  
> Also THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE WHO LEFT KUDOS ON THIS ILY

Halloween went by in a blur. I didn't dress up, much to everyone's dissapointment, and while everyone went out to parties or to accompany their siblings trick-or-treating, I stayed home.

My iPhone was plugged into the dock, blaring The Neighbourhood, and I cradled a bottle of cinnamon whiskey I stole from my father's closet in my arms. Every once in a while, the music would die down and ding, signifying a text from Mikasa or Connie or even Hanji, asking I was alright and if I wanted to meet up. I ignored them all, chosing to remain sprawled out on top of my bed, my jacket off, showing off my self-inflicted wounds to the world.

I had a razor taped onto the underside of my bed frame, which I'd removed from that spot about an hour ago. I followed a pattern:

Drink, cut, listen to Jessie Rutherford, listen to the voice, repeat.

By 7 p.m., I was drunken than ever.

The music had changed from The Neighbourhood to Dinosaur Jr. My favorite song of theirs "Said the People" started, and I just sat on the edge of my bed, weighing out my options.

I could graduate (questionable at this point) and go to college and work some dead-end job for the rest of my useless life. Or I could end it all. Tonight. I thought about it a lot, but I could never make up my mind. This time was like no other.

The real me was determined to stay alive, talking about "having hope for the future" and other bullshit like that. So I couldn't die. I could never manage to swallow enough pills or cut deep enough because I was too hesitant of actually dying.

Just like every other day, I decided against it .  _Not today, Eren._

Instead I just sat there, letting the crimson red blood dry on my arms, until I heard the front door unlock and open. I feel panic feel my intoxicated body.

My father doesn't usually get home until late in the night.

I stand up quickly. Way too quickly. All the alcohol and blood loss had me swaying. Simultaneously, I fell to the floor, my father opened my bedroom door, and the song ended. As I lost conciousness all I could make out was the sadness in my father's eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I came to, I had a raging headache and my entire body felt resticted. My arms were bandaged and I found myself laying in a hospital bed. I could make out the silhouette of my father talking to someone I assumed to be my doctor, whispering loudly outside the door.

"No, absolutely not. My son will not be sent to some mental asylum for fuck-ups. He's not some psycho, he's...he's just going through a rough patch." My dad's shadow hung it's head.

"This 'rough patch' could cost him his life. He needs help, and Maria Center for Behavioral Health can give him exactly that. The alcohol can and will cause irreversible damage to his liver, he's dehydrated, blood pressure's low, blood sugar's low, heart rate's slow, and he's severely underweight. I'm sorry sir, but your son is playing a very dangerous involving very serious disorders and right now, he's on a path that will leave him dead. If you won't help him, I can have him escorted by the police to the center in the morning. I've already made arrangements and there's a bed available for him."

I watched as my dad sunk to the ground, defeated.

The doctor opened the door to the room, but my father stayed outside.

He explained to me everything I'd just overheard.

It was official; I was being sent to a behavioral health center and admitted into their short-term inpatient program.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, I'm thinking about posting a chapter a day from now on, and making the chapters longer. Also, sorry for any typos and LOOK UP THOSE BANDS THE NEIGHBOURHOOD IS MY FAV AND DINOSAUR JR IS A BAND MY TEACHER TOLD ME ABOUT AND I REALLLY LIKE SAID THE PEOPLE. K bye


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning I awoke to the beeping of monitors. I found myself hooked up to an I.V. and heart rate monitor.

_So it really is true._

After 5 years of keeping how fucked up I am a secret, it's over. I've been exposed.

"Good morning!" A nurse too peppy for such an early time practical chimed as she walked into the room, holding a tray of food.

"I just called to double-check and everything's set up. Your transport to take you to the facility will be here shortly."

"My what?" Knowing that everything was set up already terrified me.

"Your transport, silly." She bopped my nose with the tip of her finger, making me flinch back. "An ambulance is required to take you to the building. I know, it's a bit weird, but it's part of our policy." With that she left, leaving me alone with the television on the news channel and a very unappealing breakfast. I ate the container of cereal, dry, and winced in between bites.

Armin and Mikasa showed around 15 minutes before the ambulance did, showering me with hugs and tears and "Why didn't you tell us?" I was so mentally drained from all the attention that I didn't notice the man standing in he doorway until he knocked again. I sighed. It was time to go.

Mikasa didn't seem to want to let go of my hand and for a moment, I thought they'd have to call security to remove her, but she finally let go. They had to take me away in a wheelchair, which I thought was pointless, and the ambulance ride almost made me sick. I was terrified, but I didn't want to show it, and I could feel my hands trembling slightly. The voice took this time to come out again.

_Do you know how useless you are, Eren?_

_Ou can't cut right, can't starve right, and now you're making everyone go out of their way just to cater to you. You're selfish._

"I know that...I know, I know. I'll die eventually." I stayed their mumbling to myself, not seeing the looks I got from the people in the back with me.

When we arrived, I considered making a break for it, but they surrounded me on all sides, and I was too tired to try anyways. Inside the building, my father was already there filling out paperwork. I sat down next to him, silently, and neither of us said a word. I looked over and saw a bag next to him, filled with my clothes. I shivered. The waiting room was awfully cold. After about 30 minutes we were taken to an intake room, where they asked me all sorts of questions about my life that I gave short answers to, my father usually cutting me off to give a more appropriate one.

It took another hour, but I finally got called to go upstairs into the unit. By now, it was already lunch time, so they told the staff to bring me up a tray of food.

The staff working this shift were young, no older that 30, and I wondered why they chose to spend their lives watching after grade A fuck-ups, but I didn't say that. One man, a brunet that had to be at least 6'2", informed me that everyone else in the room was downstairs in the cafeteria eating lunch, but since I just got there, I had to stay up here for 24 hours to be watched over and make sure I belonged in a behavioral health center, instead of jail.

He said he'd get someone to bring me up a sandwich and whatever sides the cafeteria workers found appropriate, but for now I shouldnt get too comfortable. He said they do lots of testing on new admissions. Just as he said that, a nurse popped her head in the door.

"Eren Yeager?" Called the nurse. I turned to the man and he told me to follow her, so I did.

Inside the room she led me to, there were two other people, who I assumed were doctors. They took my height, checked me with a metal detector, an made me take off all of my clothes except my underwear. 

"Please step on the scale."

I swear, I could feel my blood run cold.

I couldn't. I couldn't handle them knowing my weight. They'd all laugh at me, I know it. They weren't allowed to know.

I backed up towards the door.

"Uh..I, I was weighed just yesterday at the hospital. 125. A little low they said, but alright." I chuckled nervously.

"We need to check your weight here, too, so we can motor how your new medicine affects your body." The nurse could tell I was lying. Her face gave away that she'd been working here too long and wouldn't put up with my bullshit.

"Step on the scale. It's mandatory."

Not wanting to get in trouble, (I've heard horror stories about places like this) I stepped on the scale. The ugly number mad eme want to cry.

108

I felt hot tears run down my face. I hadn't weighed myself in so long, but I want expecting to be THIS fat.

I heard the nurse sigh. I knew it, she was disappointed in me. I was obese. She's probably tell the cafeteria workers to put me on a special diet so I could lose weight.

The tests were done and I could put my clothes back on and go back to the dayroom. The rest of the day wentry by agonizingly slow. We had "school" at 2 p.m., where we read. I picked up a copy of  _The Outsiders_ ~~~~and used it to hide my face as I cried silently in the corner, still obsessing over my weight.

Around 3:30 a guy named Erwin sat next to me. He had short blond hair, and reminded me of Captain America, making me smile. He told me all the rules that I needed to know to survive in here, and pointed out certain people in the room.

Marco, he said, had tried to hang himself after getting beat up for being gay. I shuddered at the thought, as I myself, was gay as well. Mike, his "aquaintance" (we were allowed to make friends apparently) was in here for self harm and an eating disorder called bulimia, that I'd never heard of before. And Levi, he said, had only gotten there 2 days prior, but the doctors were already considering sending him to long term residential, as he wouldnt talk or comply with anyone.

I continued talking to Erwin until dinner time looking over at Levi every few minutes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow over 150 hits!! For my first ever fanfic I'm kinda proud, especially since this is only the beginning of the story. Thank you all sooo much and I apologize for any typos. I'm writing this on my phone but once I start school next month I'll be able to spend more time checking over the chapters, and I'll probably start a rinxharuka fic, too bc I'm free! trash

At 6:30 the staff announced that it was time for dinner. One boy paused the movie that was droning on in the background. Since we could only watch PG movies, no one really watched them, but the noise was comforting. Everyone began to file into a perfectly straight line, except for me and Levi.

I was curious as to why Levi was here, since he wasnt up here at lunch, and Erwin had said he had gotten there two days ago, well over the 24 hour surveillance period. I wanted to ask Erwin, but he was already in line and no one else was talking, so it assumed no talking was the rule. He looked back at me sympatheticly and I assumed he was upset that I had to stay here without someone I knew to eat dinner with. One by one, everyone in the line counted off, and they were on their way downstairs.

I sat their in silence, along with Levi and our staff, named Eric. No more than a minute later, a cart came by with our dinner trays. Eric got out of his seat and handed each of us a tray and a carton of fat free milk. The smell of the food alone made my stomach growl, sending waves of pain through my stomach. Levi looked at me with an unreadable expression, then turned away quickly, opening up hs try to reveal a turkey and cheese sub and a bag of lays original potato chips. I gulped, praying that I didn't have the same tempting food inside my own tray.

I did.

My mouth wanted it. I wanted it. 

My mind  _did not._

_Idiot, you're fat enough as it is. You saw the was the nurse looked at you after you stepped on the scale. You can't eat that._

So I didn't. I pretended to eat, opening the bag of chips and ripping off about a third of the sub and hid it in my napkin, discreetly hiding it in my hoodie pocket to dispose of later. I sat like that, waiting for it to be an appropriate time to throw away my tray. When Levi stood, his tray empty except for an eaten bag of chips, he walked to the trash bin, stopping to show the Eric something. Confused, I followed suit, throwing my tray into the bin as well, when I was stopped by Eric and a nurse entering the room from from the nurses station outside.

"Where's your cutlery?" Eric asked, sternly.

"My what?" I was nervous.

"You get a plastic spork with each meal. You have to turn it in to the staff after every meal."

What? The afternoon staff didn't ask for a spork, and I hadn't even gotten one with dinner. And who the hell steals a spork? The realization hit me then that people in the past had probably used the cutlery to hurt themselves. Shit. This was bad.

The nurse cut in, "Excuse me, Eric. Can I have a word with you?" By then Levi had taken an interest in the conversation, wondering what was going on.

Eric followed the nurse outside the doorway, keeping an eye on both of us while he listened.

"That boy there, the new admission. I saw him sneak something into his jacket pocket. He needs to get checked. We can put him on 1:1 if necessary." I could overhear ever word she said, and so could Levi. He looked over at me with a smirk.

Eric called me outside, leaving the nurse to watch over Levi as I was brought to a back room to be checked. I had to take off my jacket, so he could inspect it. He was shocked when he found out that I had, infact, hidden food, not a "potential weapon".

"I didn't get a spork with my meal, Mr.Eric." the entire situation had exhausted me, and I craved nothing more that to go to sleep on the couch in the dayroom. 

I had to shake out my shirt and jeans, proving that I didn't steal a spork. When I returned to the day room , everyone was back for dinner. Erwin had saved  a spot for me next to him on the couch, which I was grateful for, as I needed someone to rant to. I spotted Levi sitting in the corner, reading a collection of H.P Lovecrafts short stories. He didn't strike me as someone who enjoyed novels. He looked up at me, emotionless, before turning the page and going back to reading.

 It was soon time to go to our rooms to shower and sleep. There were two hallways with rooms: main hall and overflow. Apparently, I was on overflow, but unfortunately, Erwin was on the other hall. Another one of the male staff, Johnathan, too loud group down the hallway.

 

Unsure of what room was mine, I stood around while everyone else went into their rooms, grabbing what clothes they needed and arguing over which roommate would shower first. Johnathan recognized that I was new, and looked at his clipboard announcing that I was in room 201. I could hear the comments of the other guys, saying about how I was screwed.

 

I was roommates with Levi

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for no update yesterday. Honestly, I just didn't feel like writing and I knew if I tried, it'd be a shitty chapter. Also sorry for any typos. Again, I'll be able to proof-read next month, so bear with me.

Levi walked into his room, completely ignoring my presence. I tried to follow him but was stopped by Johnathan.

"Unless you're asleep, only one kid in the room at a time. And you're on 1:1, so you have to wait and shower with extra staff in the room."

I slid to the ground and sat with my knees tucked up near my chest.  _What kind of place is this? I can't even shower alone?_

Every one followed suit, one roommate grabbing their buckets with nontoxic soap and shampoo and tooth brushes, and the other sitting on the ground outside of their room. 

No more than 10 minutes later, Levi left the room, his hair damp and clothes changed into a gray longs levee shirt and checkered pajama bottoms with the strings removed, making them sag a little low on his waist.

He returned his bucket to the closet and sat on the ground next to me. I wanted to ask him what to do next. Confused, I nudged him on the shoulder. His eyes widened a bit, and I wondered what was wrong, until I heard, "BOUNDARIES! You're not allowed any physical contact. You're already on 1:1, don't make it worse for yourself."

I stood. "Um...excuse me sir, but I'm not sure what Im supposed to do?"

"Well if you had any questions, you should've come to me." He gave me a tiny smirk. "Go grab a bucket from the closet, one without a name on it, and go stand by your door. The extra staff is coming down now."

* * *

 

My first ever shower in a mental institution was terrible. Another man, whose name I didn't know, sat in a small plastic chair inside the tiny bathroom, outside the curtain. He checked on me every five minutes like clockwork, making me stick my head out from behind the curtain. I asked for privacy so I could put on my clothes, which I was denied, so I was forced to get dressed behind the curtain, the steam from the shower making my clothes stick to me. I brushed my teeth as quickly as possible, and made my way outside to deposit my towel into a yellow waste bin next to the closet, where I put my bucket after having Johnathan write my name on it with a black sharpie he kept in his shirt pocket.

I looked over to our room, to see that Levi was already inside, sitting on his bed. Nervously, I walked over to other bed, which was already made, the staff from the bathroom following close behind. I sat down on top of it and decided to attempt making a friend, reasoning that if I was going to be here for a while, I might as well make more friends than just Erwin. 

"Ummm....hi? I'm Eren. I'm new here..but I guess you, uh, already know that.?" I could practically hear the staff face palming.

"Smooth. You talk to all your friends like that?" Levi responded, cooly. Wait. Levi responded. I looked over at the other man, who looked equally as shocked.

"Well, looks like all you needed was a little push to get you talking, eh, Levi?" 

I could hear a Levi snort.

Filled with a new determination, I tried again. "What's it like here?"

It took him a moment, seemingly surprised that I tried to keep that conversation going. His facial expression was emotionless as he told what I assumed to be the truth.

"It's Hell on earth and literally everyone, including the staff," He motion towards the man, "wants to go the fuck home."

I was stunned by his bluntness, the proceeded to break into a fit of gigges that quickly turned into a full blown laugh, earning a small smile from Levi.

"Tell me about it. We've got time."

* * *

 

I was amazed at how easy it was to make Levi open up, since everyone acted like he was the incarnation of Satan himself. Maybe no one tried hard enough.

We talked until lights out at 10:30, then take more, much to the staffs dismay, as he had to keep a closer eyes on me, even though he'd lowered his defences a bit after realizing that I wasn't as much as a threat to myself as the thought. Around midnight though, I fell asleep on accident. Several hours later, I woke up to the morning  staff  yelling for the guys in the room next to us to wake up. Levi was already up and was remaking his bed. 

"Morning," I said cheerfully.

"Go grab your bucket , brat. You can shower first today."

I practically skipped out of the room, happy I'd made a new friend. Levi told me that we get a phone call once a day, and I was excited to tell Mikasa and Armin the news.

Upon returning. I found out that I was off 1:1, but at the slightest slip up I'd be back on it. I showered peacefully and alone today., holding off the urge to start singing in the shower.

I got dressed for the day, gray sweatshirt (with the strings removed),skinny jeans, and black and white checkered vans what we're laced up with zip-ties, instead of laces. I was ready to face the day and sat down outside my room while Levi and everone else got ready for the day.

When we went into the dayroom, I met up with Erwin, whom I tried to make talk with Levi, resulting in minimal conversation.

Everything was going great, until I saw the cart go by the door, carrying out breakfast.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if you're wondering why this is so specific, I've spent lots of time in mental hospitals (depression and an eating disorder) so everything in this is legit like my experience in hospitals.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this, but after this week I'm not sure if updates will be daily, but I'll try my hardest. Also, I'm going to update my other fic later tonight,too. So look forward to that...maybe. it sucks.  
> Also THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR ALMOST 300 HITS I'M SO HAPPY AND YOUR COMMENTS ARE SO CUTE BUT I'M SO SOCIALLY AWKWARD IDK HOW TO RESPOND TO THEM BUT I READ THEM AND ILY

Breakfast.

I thought back to the day before, and knew that if I wanted to restrict here, I had to find better ways of hiding my food. I couldn't get caught again.

The food didn't look too appealing, but my stomach starting doing somersaults when it saw it. Watery looking scrambled eggs, dry biscuit, burnt bacon, and a serving container of cereal and low fat milk. Levi and Erwin both opened their trays and started munching. I sat there, hoping that staring at the food would make it go away.

A new staff, Patrick, came and sat on the seat across from us.

"Morning guys," He scooted his chair a little closer to me and said, "I heard about what happened yesterday." He left after that, but I could see him glancing over at me every few seconds.

"What was that about?" Erwin spoke up, in between bites of biscuit. I was glad that Levi hadn't mentioned what happened yesterday, but he was there. I couldn't blame Erwin for being a bit curious. I shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

I looked over at Patrick, only to see him mouthing the word "EAT". I picked up the spork (that I'd actually recieved this time) and poked at the eggs, smiling at him as I did so. I moved the spork, with one tiny sliver of slimy looking egg, towards my mouth, but as soon as Patrick aknowledged me, I dropped the spork back onto the Styrofoam tray. 

Levi nudged me sharply in the stomach the second the staff looked away, muttering, "Eat, idiot." before getting up to show off his spork and throw his tray away. Erwin looked at me quizzically. But I just reassured him that I wasn't hungry/my stomach hurt/I don't like bacon, eggs, biscuits, or anything really.

While Levi had the staffs attention, I swept half of my tray into Erwins, which he was eternally grateful for. Afterwards I brought my trat up to dispose of it and was stopped. Patrick made me open my tray and show him what I'd eaten. He was pleasantly surprised to see that I'd "eaten" everything but a piece of bacon and my cereal. 

When I returned to my spot on the couch, Levi looked at me with a mix of concern and irritation. He saw me give Erwin my food. I promised him I'd try to eat lunch, which gave me about 3 hours to come up with a reason to not. 

Soon after, a therapist came into the room, announcing that it was time for group therapy.

We had to pick one negative trait about ourselves and write down reasons that made us feel that way about ourselves. Then do the same for one positive trait. Half the group couldnt think of a positive trait, and those who could said shit like "I'm strong" or "I can cook decently" , which made the therapist frown. She said we needed to think better of ourselves and say things like " I'm dependable" or "I'm charasmatic". I raised my hand and told her that it made it feel like she was forcing fake trait upon us, and if I said something like that I'd just be lying to myself. 

Then she went on a rant about how grateful we should be and how much more we had than children in Africa and our endless opportunities and whatever. I raised my hand again and told her that she was trying to guilt us into feeling good about ourselves, which actually made me feel worse. Everyone in the room agreed with me.

I think I made her want to quit.

After an hour had passed she packed up her box of markers (we were on "marker restriction" as too many people drew on themselves with them) and speed-walked out of the room. The staff walked back in, as they weren't supposed to sit in on out therapy groups. He asked us what we learned and I swear to god, one kid raised his hand and said, " I learned that Eren's a savage." The room erupted in laughter. I even caught Levi chuckling along quietly, too.

No more than fifteen minutes later, a doctor pulled me out of the room, and took me to her office on the girls hallway. I was slightly scared again, remembering that I was in a mental health facility and why I was there.

The doctor wasn't nice. Erwin had told me about her. Everyone called her "The Discharge Changer" as she pushed back almost everyone's discharge date. She kept me for about 45 minutes, asking me all sorts of questions about why I was here, despite her having documents stating why I was there. By the end of out session she had me starting three new medicines: anti-depressants, mood stabilizer, and anti-anxiety; and I was set to get a full psychological evaluation done in two days.

When I got back there was barely an hour until lunch, and I still was panicking over what to do. Levi noticed, and tried to calm me down as much as possible, distacting me with card games. He taught me how to play Trash, and I showed him solitaire, despite it being a one-player game. Erwin was reading on another couch with Marco, commenting on scenes in their novels every once in a while, and everyone else was talking amongst themselves, with Aladin playing quietly in the background. We all stayed like that, much to Patrick's pleasure, as days don't usually go this smoothly, Levi told me. 

He said the day he got here, there were three holds going on simultaneously,one in both the girls and child unit, one one downstairs in residential, and  not enough staff to go around, leading to the boys to be left unattended in the panic, until a nurse came by and scolded us all for not telling someone.

I asked him what a hold was. He said it was when you were a threat to yourself or someone else, so they have to hold you down and give you a shot, but no one goes down easily, and he said you can usually hear the screams and thrashing throughout the entire floor. I was stunned.

I leaned forward and whispered, " _Levi, what kind of Hell is this??"_

Levi looked me dead in the eye and said that this was only the beginning.

* * *

Apparently, it was only 23 and a half hours since I'd gotten there, so Patrick said I was still required to stay upstairs for lunch, reassuring me that I could go down for dinner. Levi stayed as well.

 I asked why he was still here, too and he told me that he refused to have his blood taken. 

"Are you serious?" I said, trying to hold in laughter.

"What? A man can't hate needles?" He tried to keep a serious expression, but he couldnt help smiling. "I'm thinking of letting them take it tonight. I'm tired of staying up here with the newbies, like you." He told me that every other day they take blood from any new admissions.

While waited for the cart with food to come by, I could only wonder.

_Is he getting blood taken so he can go downstairs with me?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my chapters are so short, but I'm working on a debate at the moment for my English class, so I'm pretty wiped out and it's hard for me to write long chapters, which is why I'm trying to update daily with shorter ones.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowow over 350 hits. I'm so blessed.  
> Also. Sorry for not posting this yesterday. I'm not gonna lie, I didn't feel like it and I feel like a piece of shit bc of that but what else is new.

I was forcefully woken up the next morning by a nurse, telling me it was time to get blood drawn. The commotion was enough to wake up Levi, as well, and he got out of bed to get blood taken as well, much to the nurse's surprise. Groaning, I checked the clock on the wall outside out room (which was bolted down by the way).

It was 4:42 a.m. and I wanted to cry. The nurse led is down the hall to the room that I was inspected in when I first arrived. We were handed out paperwork to give another nurse before she took our blood, and Levi and I sat outside the room, along with anther newbie.

Levi was called first, and I saw his body stiffen. If we weren't being observed by doctors and nurses running around the nurses station, I would of squeezed his hand and reassured him that everything was going to be alright. But I couldn't. As he stood shakily, I mumbled a "Good luck," and he was gone. From outside the room. I could hear the struggle. He refused to let the nurse get near him with the needle, and if I wasn't concerned, I probably would have found the situation hilarious.

Instead, I stood and knocked on the door before opening it. Levi looked terrified, his face paler than normal. I instantly felt even worse for him.

"Could I maybe...comfort him? Like, I know it's against the rules because "boundaries" or whatever, but..please?"

I heard the nurse mutter how ridiculous the whole situation was, before agreeing hesitantly. I sat down in the plastic chair next to him and gave him a comforting smile, before gently taking his hand in mine. The nurse watched us, waiting for something bad to happen from us touching. The world didn't stop, there were no explosions, neither us us died. She looked confused, before picking the needle back up with her gloved hands.

I felt Levi tense. I leaned over more and whispered in his ear, telling him to calm down. His shoulders relaxed, but his grip on my hand tightened. He remained mostly still, fidgeting slightly, as the needle came in contact with his skin. I could hear a sharp intake if breath but then, nothing. He was fine. 

After collecting 2 vials of his blood, she cleaned the area and put a band-aid on his arm, right below the crease of his elbow. 

He changed spots with me, interlocking our fingers once again. I wasn't afraid though, but I didn't feel like letting go of his hand, regardless. She repeated the process, pushing up the sleeve of my jacket, pretending my scars didn't exist, and cleaning the spot. The realization his me that Levi didn't have scars, unlike most everone here. 

The needle went in smoothly, and she went to work, collecting another 2 vials of blood from me. After she removed the needle thought, everything went fuzzy. My eyes fluttered shut, and I could hear Levi saying my name, his voice laced with concern.

When I came to, Levi was gone, and I had a blood pressure cuff around my left arm, and a nurse trying to pry my mouth open and pour in a cup of apple juice. I jumped, making her spill juice down my shirt.

There were three nursed in the room, fluttering around me with thermometers and saltine crackers. They all looked relieved when I woke up, and tried forcing me to eat and drink. They'd checked my records, and saw my history of eating issues and my low weight, blaming that as the cause of my fainting, and said I could possible have anemia. 

One nurse took the cuff off my arm, announcing a blood pressure of 73/54.

"Where's Levi?" My voice broke, as my throat was unbelievably dry. 

"We had him escorted back to his room so he could sleep for another hour before morning showers."

I wanted water, but the nursed wouldn't let me, saying I needed juice to get my blood sugar back up, but I kept trying to convince them that I hated apple juice, and just wanted to go to bed. My head was pounding and I was on the verge of passing out again. 

A nurse walked me back, holding onto my shoulders to keep me straight up, as I was determined on walking into the wall. Once in my room, I fell face first into bed, closing my eyes. I fell asleep so fast, that I didn't have time to register that Levi was sitting there, still awake.

* * *

Approximately 40 minutes later, the staff came barging into our tomm, flipping on the lights, and yelling that it was time to get up. I could hear Levi groan as he stretched, getting out of bed. My head felt like someone had been repeatedly swinging a hammer at it, and I winced with every step.

Levi noticed, and asked if I was alright. He said that the nurse mught have told the staff what haooened last night. He warned me though, that if the staff thought we were too close that they would separate us. We agreed on not sitting next to each other in the dayroom, but instead as a group, and invite Erwin and Marco.

He let me shower first, which proved to be quite a task. I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes without swaying and everything growing hazy. I showered on the floor, brushing my teeth while I was in there, and could barely dry myself off, opting to let myself air dry.

When the staff checked on me during their 15 minute rounds, they found me sitting on the ground with a towel wrapped around me.

All I did was smile, as they shut the door, finding the whole situation oddly funny.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl I had no idea what I was going to do for Levis back story BUT I KNOW NOW.  
> Also, that fainting/apple juice being poured on eren part legit happened to me bc my blood pressure is so low. And I couldn't stand, but was forced to take a shower right after and the staff walked in on me getting dressed on the floor bc I'd black out whenever I stood up. It was amazing omg.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, remember when I said I'd probably update everyday? Whoops...(please love me, I've just been feeling so bad physically and need to go back to a nutritionist but I'm scaredddd pls be patient with me)

Breakfast went by in a blur.

I hate half a dry pancake with sugar-free syrup. I felt like I was about to faint again, so I asked to be escorted back to my room to lay down a bit. On the way out, Johnathan scolded me, saying I wouldn't get my points for the hour for not participating. 

We get points everyday, apparently, and the amount we receive determine our perks for the day. The perks being, who gets to use a dulled down pencil during school, or get to go outside to the poor excuse they called a courtyard.

I wanted to tell Johnathan off, but a wave a nausea prevented me from opening my mouth. After being half drug down the hall into my bed, a nurse came by with a vital machine.

83/52 showed up on the screen, and the heart rate monitor beeped dangerously slow.

"Hmmm, maybe the machines busted. Let me go get the one off the children's unit." She left the room, leaving me alone in the room, feeling as if my heart could simply stop beating at any moment.

She returned minutes later with a newer looking machine, but the results were even lower. 

"You're Eren Jaeger, right? I checked your charts and your weight is terribly low. Have you spoken with our eating disorder specialist?"

I shake my head.

"I'll let her know she needs to talk to you. You're scheduled to have a full psychological evaluation down this afternoon as well. Until then, could you drink this ensure for me?"

She handed me a plastic cup full of a chocolatey brown liquid. My mind instantly knew what she was doing. She didn't want me to see the calories. I'm sure this stuff is knocked full of fat and carbs and calories that'll just make me fatter.

_You don't need it, fatass. Stuff like this is for the people who actually need to gain weight._

I took the cup and she left after that.

_See, even she's not watching you. She knows you don't need it. Go pour it down the sink. Now._

I got up and swayed the whole way over to the bathroom, on the verge of being sick the entire time, and poured the  ~~delicious looking~~ repulsive drink down the drain, letting water run to clean the sink and erase the evidence.

"I knew you'd do that." I froze. Fuck. It was Levi.

"Why are you here? Won't you get in trouble? You should lea-" He cut me off.

"Calm down, brat. I asked do go to the 'bathroom'. No one will come looking for me for a few minutes. And stop avoiding food."

I turned red. "I'm not avoiding food it's just that I'm not hungry. I don't want people to worry about me, so I hide it and stuff..." I was silently praying we'd get caught so he would leave. I go to lay back down, losing my balance and almost falling on the way. 

"I'm going now, but I will make you eat lunch. Every bite of it."

Minutes after he left, I returned to the dayroom, lying to the staff about how much better I was feeling. 

* * *

 

The eating disorder specialist called me out of the room about an hour before lunch, and asked me not-so-discreet questions, such as, "How often do you throw up and how?" "Have you ever used laxatives or diet pills?" "How many calories do you eat in a day?" 

I didn't know whether I should answer the questions or laugh in her face. I didn't trust her. I didn't trust anybody, not even Mikasa or Armin.  I sat there, not saying a thing, until she said she couldn't diagnose me if I didn't cooperate.

I mostly told the truth, and by lunchtime I had been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa binge eating/purge subtype. I laughed and told her that I was too fat to be anorexic, but she told me that body dysmorphia was a common symptom of an eating disorder and that I'd "get the best help in town here". 

She walked me back to the dayroom as we were lining up for lunch. Everyone was on line, Levi included.

The cafeteria was busy. Both the child unit, and the girls unit were already down, and we're sitting at there respective tables. We entered the line and I stiffened at the sight of all the food. Lasagne, barbecue chicken, tacos, french fries, nachos. A sharp pain erupted in my stomach that had me bending over, clutching my stomach.

"Eren? What's wrong?"

My eyes watered. Don't say it. Don't say it.  _Don't say it._

"I'm so hungry." My voice cracked and my eyes lined with tears. "I don't want to do this."

I could tell Levi wanted to hold my hand, or just do something comforting, but he couldnt with Johnathan and the cafeteria workers watching us like hawks.

"It'll be okay," He whispered. "You can do this. You need to do this." 

My eyes landed on a salad. Lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes. Simple enough, I thought. I grabbed it and put it on my tray. I sniffled. A salad won't kill me, right? 

Both Johnathan and Levi watched with wide eyes. I'd heard the specialist from earlier inform him that I needed to have my meals monitored and not allow me to go to the bathroom an hour after meals. 

As I moved forward in line, a cafeteria workers asked me which sides I wanted, making my heart beat quicker. I said none and she looked at me as if I was crazy.

"I'm just not hungry today, ma'am."

I left the line, with a spork and a cup before getting stopped by staff, asking/demanding to know where my salad dressing was.

"A plain salad, really, Eren? Do you think I'm stupid? You're better than this." 

No I'm really not.

He handed me a packet of full fat ranch dressing and shooed me away, to go get my drink.

There was lemonade, fruit punch, cranberry juice, apple juice, and orange juice. 

 I got water. No liquid calories today, no siree, Eren. _You don't deserve them._

Levi came up next to me, and filled his cup with lemonade. We sat together at a table by a window with Erwin and Marco.

The conversation at the table was light, but the atmosphere was extremely tense. I could see them all analyzing my tray, as I opened the container of salad, leaving the dressing untouched, and skewered a cherry tomato with my spork. I took nibbles of it, hike everone else ate their pasta or tacos with nachos and steamed vegetables. 

In 25 minutes I managed to only eat 3 tomatoes and a slice of cucumber. I felt proud. I felt strong.

Everyone else felt dissapointed.

While everyone else dumped their trays and handed them, along with their sporks to the staff, Levi forced me to keep my salad to eat.

The cafeteria workers brought out huge trays with individual cups of banana puffing and chocolate pudding with whipped cream. Everything felt so overwhelming and I almost started crying again, when an older doctor walked in the cafeteria, requesting to talk to me. It was time for my evaluation.

Id never felt so relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so for some reason, the note at the end of a chapter a while agao, keeps showing up at the bottom of the page along with this one. Idk why that is, but I apologize for the delay in thick chapter and for any typos. Just like 3 more weeks until I get an actual computer to type on.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time, no update yeh? Heh...sorry. I usually just write when I'm emotional and I just got my class schedule for this year and they got me all fucked up so here we goooooo...

"I feel overwhelming anxious in most/ all social situations."

_Yes._

_"_ Not at all, sir."

"Suicide seems to be the solution to all of my problems."

_Abso-fucking-lutely._

I shake my head.

"I constantly feel tense or agitated for reasons out of my control."

Do I? Who cares anyways? I was ready to go back to the dayroom. He'd been asking me these questions for the past 40 minutes.

"Nope," I try to relax back onto the chair, despite my body aching from my bones digging into the chair.

The psychologist leaned forward in his chair. "Listen, Eren, I feel as if you're not being 100% honest with me. We can't appropriately help you if you don't let us in."

I shake my head, repeatedly.

"What are you so scared of, Eren?

"I...uh," the psychologist leaned forward, pen at the ready, " I'm not exactly sure. Letting people in? Not being able to die if I chose to? The future?"

"Hmm. Honestly, I think your fears are very common. Nothing too big. We can work on this with your therapist."

"Lastly, I'd like you to sit by the computer over here and take a short test. It will check for signs of adhd."

I sat by the screen and hit "Begin" and a voice started, saying to click the mouse eveyrtime the number 1 appeared. Let's just say, but the time the "short" test was finished, I was completely fed up with the number 1.

* * *

 Shockingly, Levi's doctor came by about 30 minutes after I returned to the day room, and announced that he would be discharged on Tuesday. It was Saturday.

My face fell at the news that I would lose my roommate/friend??/whatever he is to me.

We talked the rest of the afternoon away, completely disregarding any request of the mediocre teacher to tell us to not talk during school time. He told me that he lived in the same city as me, and we vowed to meet up one day. 

Erwin overheard out conversation and interjected with the act that he lived and the same city as well.

Despite the fact that I was scared of Levi leaving me, and I had no idea when my discharge date would be, I felt kind of content for once.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowow it's been like 3 weeks I'm so sorry. School started yesterday for me and I only have 4 classes so it's 11 and I'm sitting in a panera updating this bc aesthetic (and I'm obsessed with panera). I just wanted to say thanks you sooo much to everyone still reading this. Also, here's my instagram if you were curious by any chance: bigheart.littleworld   
> And my tumblr is the: bigheart-littleworld  
> Also this chapters hella short buy I just needed to post something. Tmrws update WILL be better, but for now, I must do ap government homework


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have a AP LIt paper due tmrw that im halfway finished with? Yep.  
> Am I a terrible person who never updates? Double yep.  
> hah yeh  
> Sorry things have been terrible lately and I'm just feeling so low and have no motivation to write, but here ya go  
> P.s. I'm writing this while sitting in my fav teachers classroom after my classes have ended bc I'm too scared to be alone and hurt myself so shoutout to him. He's a star

Tuesday came quickly, and when I woke up that morning, Levi was already up, packing his belongings into brown paper bags. The sheets of from his bed were missing and his hair was damp, signifying that he’d already taken a shower.  
I buried my head under the paper-thin pillow. I didn’t want him to leave.  
My doctor had called for me the day before and announced that I would be leaving on Thursday, news that was extremely abrupt but extremely welcomed. I needed to get out of here. I’d already been here for 13 days, way over the 4-7 day maximum, although everyone admitted that that time frame was bullshit.  
Levi noticed I was awake and smiled, sadly, before looking away. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but as usual, Im interrupted by a nurse.  
Due to my apparent “low weight” im forced to be weighed every other day to ensure that I maintain my weight.  
Im led to the usual checking room, followed by a nurse. She has me step on the scale with my eyes closed, as im not supposed to know my weight, but I look anyways.  
Im shocked. Despite all the shit that the staff force me, Ive lost one and a half pounds. I could jump for joy. Well I would, but I don’t exactly have the energy. I hear the nurse sigh.  
“If you go below 100 pounds you’ll be NG-tubed and we’ll have to contact an eating disorder clinic to decide what further actions to take. This isn’t safe or healthy and you know that,” She looks down at her paperwork, “…Eren.”  
I barely hear her threat. My minds in overdrive.

I could do it. I could get below 100 pounds. I could be thin. I could be  _perfect._

He morning seemed to blur together. I got ready, helped Levi carry his belongings to the front desk to be checked out, refused breakfast (much to Levi's concern and the staff's annoyance), and didn't participate in group therapy. I felt low-unbelievably low.

A nurse from the front desk came into the room and said that Levi's mother had called and he was scheduled to be picked up at 3:00 pm. It was 11:20.

 

* * *

Ten minutes later, a spunky looking lady came in and said that we were having recreational therapy, something we had never had. Erwin groaned beside me. "R.T. sucks. Last time I was here some kid from the child unit threw basketballs at the lights and busted them until staff came and put him in a hold. I didn't think they'd open it back up to acute patients."

I had become resistant to the odd behavior of people here. We were all fucked up and it was strangely comforting.

"Eren," Johnathan stopped me, "you didn't eat breakfast. We can't allow you to do physical activity unless you drink an ensure." 

No. No, I couldnt allow myself to drink this. I was so close to being skinny, I could imagine it. I felt so strong and determined and invincible until...Levi. He nudged me.

"Eren, if you don't drink this you cant come to R.T. with me. Please, Eren." He looked torn. He knew how hard this was for me, but he wanted us to be together.

I knew I had to spend every last moment with him. I took the paper cup filled with bright pink liquid. It reeked of artificial strawberry and made my stomach uneasy. 

"For Levi," I reassured myself, and drank the whole cup in one go.

On the way down to R.T. we saw a girl from the other until sitting on the ground outside their dayroom with her head down. Her arm was dripping blood and she was surrounded by staff members who were ready to jump into action if she further injured herself. She got up and stared at us and we quickly averted our eyes. Johnathon reprimanded us. We weren't allowed to look at the girls; we were told to pretend that they didn't exist. 

I looked back at her as discreetly as possible, while Johnathan counted us and unlocked the door. She smiled at me, and her teeth were stained with red.

She had bitten a chunk of skin off of her arm. She walked over to the nearest wall and wiped the blood from her arm down the wall. 

They grabbed her, and a terrifying scream left her mouth. 

We were quickly ushered downstairs.

* * *

 

Rec was lame. We did a "fun" activity were we answered questions that would cause most normal people to have an existential crisis, but these were questions we asked ourselves everyday.

During the last fifteen minutes we were allowed free time, where we could play basketball or gossip in the corner about the hold that happened earlier until staff got mad at us. Levi and I opted for a basketball, where I learned that Levi was suprisingly athletic, and I-unsurprisingly-was not.

Fifteen minutes went by fast in the hospital. She and Johnathan led us to the cafeteria for lunch. I grabbed a Smuckers PB&J and a green apple. And water.

Levi got two sandwiches, fries, and apple juice. I envied him and everyone around us. 

How could they eat so much and be so much thinner than me? It wasn't fair.

I ate half the apple and slid half of the pb&j onto Erwin's tray as he stood to throw away his food. No one noticed, not even Erwin. 

Levi looked over at my half eaten lunch with mixed emotions. "Hey..I'm proud that you ate something, but could you please eat a bit more?"

"I'm not hungry, Levi. Promise." And I wasn't lying. My determination to be thin made me disregard any hunger I was experiencing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, before anyone calls bs on the girl who bit off a chunk of her arm IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WHEN I WAS IN ACUTE OK. Luckily she's getting the help she needs in a better hospital and I hope she gets better.  
> A lot of things happen in mental health hospitals and they aren't funny, nor should they be used to to make fun of mentally unwell people. This is a version of my experience in hospital (none of the events are made up, just edited) but with snk characters and different back stories .


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Eminem's "Without Me" plays in the background*  
> yo so...I haven't updated in like...3-4 weeks? haha whoops. everythings just been so sucky and im failing a class and theres lots of problems happening at the moment but im still here. Not gonna lie, Yuri on ice has motivated me to write more, as I wanna work to write scripts for animated shows like that one day, as well as writing short stories and poerty. (Also, Victuri gives me life) I wont abandon this fic, but im pretty sure that all of my readers have. sorrrrrryyyyyyy!  
> Also, I don't remember like anything from the past chapters so imam need to reread them so im sorry if some things don't make sense or if the verb/pronoun tense im using doesn't match up...

It all happened so fast. We came back upstairs to the unit and saw a receptionist from downstairs waiting next to paper bags with Levis belongings in them.

His father was here.

Seconds later I was in tears. It felt worse that anything I'd ever felt before. My father's disappointment when I was admitted, the feeling I get when I step on the scale and the number was higher than it was several hours ago, the self-inflicted pain I felt every night. None of it could compare, as this time, I truly felt alone.

Levi looked at me and I started shaking. I couldn't lose him. I couldn't.

"Hey its going to b alright. We exchanged numbers, remember? I'll text you everyday, so," He bit his lip, "don't be sad, brat. For me?" He was fidgeting with the end of his sweater.

"HEY! You know its against the rules to exchange personal information with other patients, right?" The receptionist interjected, and I felt my body turn cold. What if she goes through our stuff and takes the paper with our numbers on it? What if I never get to see Levi again? My shaking got worse and Levi moved closer to me, protectively.

"Levi...Ackerman I believe it is time that your leave." She grabbed one of his bags and motioned for him to grab the other two. I looked around the room. There were two nurses at their station and the majority of the boys in the unit were standing at the window of the dayroom, watching the scene unfold. I didn't think, and lunged forward giving Levi a hug. The nurses gasped so loudly, I couldn't help but laugh through my tears a bit. As I pulled back to return to the dayroom ( and to get the biggest scolding of my life), Levi reached forward and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, and kissed me.

I was in shock. Despite all the thoughts in my head telling me how worthless I was and how no one loved me, Levi could challenge them. Maybe he loves me? Maybe im just hopeful. Maybe I'm stupid.

 The nurses didn't know what to do. The nurse looked unbelievably angry.

Johnathan practically sprinted out of the day room and pulled me into the room.

I stared a Levi as he was being escorted out. He turned back and smiled at me one last time before walking out the door.

My face was tear-streaked but I was no longer crying. Instead, I was smiling. The room broke out in whistling and applause, before Johnathan threatened to make us all have room time as soon as dinner ended and give us apples instead of Oreos for night snack.

I could feel them all staring at me, but I didn't mind it. I was forced to sit by staff throughout the entire duration of "school" and when the staff switched shifts, I had to sit and watch as Johnathan informed Eric of today's "mischief". As soon as Johnathan left to clock out, Eric leaned towards me and whispered "I was rooting for you guys." and high-fived me.

**Author's Note:**

> Lol I'll probs upload another chapter today bc I didn't plan on publishing this


End file.
